What the books didn't tell me!

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother.  I would quite literally stop strangers to goo and gaa over their little ones.  When we got pregnant I was happy as a kid in a cupcake shop, I read every book relevant to being pregnant, giving birth, babies first 12mths and more.  But here is what I have learned, there is NO book that can/will or does prepare you for pregnancy, giving birth or babies first 12mths.  I thought I had an idea of what it was all going to be like but somehow I totally underestimated just how hard it would be.  I struggled, I mean really struggled, in the beginning, the birth was difficult (my son was a giant 4.545kg) and I was not all glowy and overcome with happiness and warm fuzzy joy.  I was terrified, insecure and worried that I was going to totally screw up.  The realisation that I was suffering from post natal depression came whilst sitting with baby in my arms and watching the Melbourne Cup in 2010. As the winning horse crossed the line I burst into tears.....I promptly organised a doctors appointment. Yikes!!


The books don't seem to talk about the bad stuff, like how lonely and isolating becoming a parent can be.  The dynamics of friendships change and people fall away. But the upside is that it has also been an incredible learning experience for me, not only about how to be a parent but also about who I am.  Every day I learn something new about my son, myself and my relationships.  I have bad parenting days, bad girlfriend days (apologies to my very patient spouse) and bad "what the hell am I doing and who the hell have I become" days but they all allow me to dig deeper.  I am learning that I need to be more compassionate with myself and slowly let go of controlling everything.  Control is my safe place, structure allows me to function and hold it all together but  my son is a great teacher, he sees wonderment and joy in the simplest of things, his needs are basic and I have so much to gain from being his mother and spending time with him. 


So I choose to embrace the bad days, find the good in them, add a sprinkle of love, live with more joy and less control.  I will slip up along the way but that is ok, that makes me human.